The Adventures of Dr Cucumber and Harley Pickle
by Midnight Raining Down
Summary: For years, scientists have been asking, Whose milkshake brings all the boys to the yard? Nobody knew. But then Sexy Vexy was born. Ultimate crack fic. This is the story that Vexen and Xaldin will hold us hostage for.
1. He's Hot Shit

I blame Naïve-Symphony for this completely. This is the brilliant idea we came up with at like one or two in the morning. This is going to be the best story that this site has ever seen, and because of that, I dedicate this story to you! …but now that I re-read this story, I have no idea if that's a good thing or a bad thing…

But oh man, I had SO MUCH fun writing this. I even sped wrote parts because A) it would be funnier if I hardly thought about what I was writing about and B) I just want to post this already to get your opinions (And Naïve-Symphony's of course) about it.

And damn, there's so much I wanna say but don't know how to say (Ok just now firefox is saying I spelled say incorrectly...whut.) it....just know that this is inspired mostly by our AIM conversations, which means that she helped with parts of the story too. Hahahaha.

WARNINGS: This is full of crack. You might also be scarred for life. If you get offended easily, don't read it, because I make fun of a lot of crap. Plus, it might seem normal NOW, but trust me, it gets stupider. Way way waaaay stupider.

Rated M for **M**idnight Raining Down has lost her **M**arbles.

--

**Prologue**

--

At first glance, BASTARD IGLOO TRANNY CHILDREN HIGH SCHOOL was an ordinary high school. It had normal green grass perched outside the building, normal blue skies hovering above, normal geeks being hung onto the flag pole, and normal rats running out of the backroom of the school which had the words 'Food Storage' written on it.

However, once you put your hand on the innocent doorknob on the door to the entrance to the school and push it open, you can see that anything but normal activity occurs in the hallways. You can only guess what happens in the classrooms.

Your first clue might be the school's security guards hanging around the entrance of the school, leaning against walls and sitting on the floors, playing card games and smoking cigarettes casually despite the 'no smoking' sign right next to them. You can hear them vaguely talking bad about some students, saying which ones creeped them out and which ones would probably end up going insane before they even graduated.

Your second clue might be two adults running around in superhero costumes. When you ask one of the security guards why they aren't chasing after the suspicious couple, they look at you and reply, "Oh, those are two of the teachers. They lost a bet, see…"

Then you notice a guy saunter across the hallway with waves of people looking after him lustfully. He has very long, dirty blonde hair that seems to blow in imaginary wind. He struts like he owns the place and when his creepy bugged out eyes wink at you suggestively you shiver, suddenly feeling very, very unclean. He reminds you of some sort of rapist or creeper who would surely drug any drink had he the chance, or perhaps a guy who designed those creepy smiley faces on AIM. You are about to question the strange guy's actions to the security guards, but one saw what had transpired and gave his explanation in two simple sentences.

"That's Vexen. He's hot shit."

That is definitely your third clue, not only that the school was anything but normal, but a clue that you better get the _hell_ out of there before you become corrupted like all the other strange people in the building. Because once they become corrupted, there's no turning back.


	2. Hoodthongs Fo Shizzle

Chapter One: Hoodthongs. Fo Shizzle.

--

**Part One**

--

Vexen is, and always was, the hottest piece of ass in any of his classes. It didn't matter what grade he was in, his classmates were all his fans, admiring his astonishing hot looks and always trying to gather up the courage to talk to him. Some of the jealous boys would always ask, 'Why him? Why _that_ guy?' and the girls would just shake their heads like they didn't know anything at all, which they obviously didn't.

"_Because_," one girl said irritably one day, glaring at one of her guy friends. Suddenly her voice changed into a nice, angelic tone, "He's half Japanese! And his Japanese laugh is the sexiest thing I have ever heard!"

The boys just scoffed at this, until the girl decided that they simply had to hear it to believe it. She had dragged the two by the wrist and walked up to the dashing blond stud. He stared at them, his eyeball bulging slightly. After several minutes of conversation, the girl convinced Vexen to laugh his Japanese laugh.

At the end of the day the two boys had agreed that his laugh was indeed a major turn on, but that in _no way_ meant they were gay. Oh, no way.

Such an occurrence was not rare to Vexen, who had grown rather used to it. It even went as far back to preschool, where a girl gave him what she said her older sister stole from a store, replying that only sissies gave boys crayons and markers as gifts and that real woman would stop at nothing to please him. At the time, Vexen simply stared at the pink scarf she gave him, not knowing what to do with it.

And that was only the beginning. Once he entered elementary school, he had been given gifts left and right. There was even one such instance where a classmate's _mother_ gave him something.

When he entered high school, the number of admirers increased dramatically, and Vexen found himself becoming best friends with two unlikely sources. It seemed to intimidate several people seeing as one of them was the school's biggest bully, but it hardly stopped anyone from loving Vexen. And even if it was overbearing at times, he grew to accept it.

After all, who couldn't love all the chicks and some guys all over you because of your undeniable sexiness? Ya, exactly.

Despite Vexen's large crowd of admirers, a new kid came to the school and challenged his status as the popular hot guy everybody tried to bone. The second he stepped foot in the school, Vexen's eyes narrowed and he knew there would be trouble. This was not acceptable.

--

Several of the few students in the hallway looked at the new student with questioning eyes as he walked casually to what was surely his new locker. Whispers could be heard amongst them, but Vexen ignored them to the best of his ability. He didn't even speak one _word_ to the new kid and he hated him already.

Vexen sauntered up to the strange fellow, leaning against the wall next to him.

"What is your name," he said with slow, careful words. The new kid turned around to look at him, and Vexen's eyes widened in surprise.

"I'm Xaldin," the boy answered with the sweetest, sugariest voice Vexen has ever heard in his life. He could feel his teeth rotting out already.

Xaldin stared at him with eyes full of hope and sparkles, while his hair was cut stylishly into dreadlocks. Vexen gulped. Xaldin was hot, no denying it. But there was _no_ way he could be hotter than Vexen. No way at all.

Before anyone could get another word in, the bell rang. "Oh, the bell rang! We mustn't be late to class!" With that, he pranced off.

Vexen's eyes narrowed at all the other kids whispering to themselves about Xaldin. This boy would surely cause him trouble indeed…

--

Vexen slammed into his usual seat at the usual table in the cafeteria, sulking noticeably. His friends had yet to come, so he was left alone with his thoughts for a couple of seconds.

Xaldin seemed to have his first class with him. Everybody had taken a liking to him. He could have sworn he heard someone claim that while Vexen has hot and sexy, Xaldin was cute and adorable, with big puppy dog eyes, and big bushy eyebrows that they just wanted to cuddle in forever.

Xaldin had spotted him, sitting at his desk, twitching irritably. His small smile expanded several times, and his eyes lit up at seeing him.

"Hi!" He said cheerfully, and skipping over to the conveniently placed empty desk next to Vexen's seat. The blond had groaned inwardly as Xaldin proceeded to talk his ear off.

_This man…_he thought, _He…won't stop talking to me. I wonder why?_

He thought about it for a couple of seconds before the realization hit him like a punch to the eye.

_He's trying to make me put my guard down! Talk me up, sweeten me up, and the next thing I know, he'll be stealing my reputation! Well, I won't fall for such tactics!_

"Listen," Vexen had whispered furiously, cutting off what Xaldin was saying about curtains or something, "I'm not falling for it. You might try to get the best of me, but you will not! I've always been known as Sexy Vexy, and I'm not going to have _you_ barge into this school and steal that title! I will not stand for it!"

Xaldin stared at him for a couple of moments before grinning. "Ok!" He exclaimed happily, and turned to pay attention to whatever the teacher was talking about.

_Oh no he _didn't_! That's it, its _on_!_

And that is when Vexen knew that in order to keep his title as Sexy Vexy, he would have to push Xaldin out of the picture altogether. He looked around the cafeteria. Girls were giggling and whispering to each other, while guys were nudging each other and laughing outwardly.

Were they talking about him? Laughing about now that a new gorgeous guy was in school Vexen was nothing but _chewed dog food_? Chewed dog food that even _dogs _wouldn't touch? Curse Xaldin! Curse him to the darkest pits in hell! He would pay, he would--

"Hi Vexen!" An obnoxious voice rang out, and in a matter of seconds, all Vexen could see was a very detailed close up head of Xaldin, who had leaned so far forward their noses were smashed against each other. It was a miracle that the sheer force hadn't combined them together or something.

"Gah!" He screamed, pushing the dark haired boy away from him. "What do you want?"

"I just wanna sit next to ya!" Xaldin explained, and did just that…

…Before getting shoved roughly off the seat by another male.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" A very angry voice snapped out. "That's my seat, bitch!"

Xaldin, sitting on the floor and terrified, flinched. "Who…who are you?"

"Don't mess with the Sexy," the man said in a warning, "Now scram."

Xaldin did what he was told, running fearfully out of the cafeteria. Vexen sighed in relief, and turned to look at the teen sitting next to him.

"Thanks so much Demyx," Vexen thanked, looking at the constantly angry kid. Demyx was neither small nor scrawny by any account, but some people ended up underestimating him.

He liked to curse people out and always had snaky comments that seemed to get under a lot of people's skin. He also threatened a lot of people if they didn't do as he said, but this caused some to think that he was all bark and no bite. Demyx proved them all wrong by proceeding to beat them up mercilessly, but stopped suddenly and told them that that was a warning. After that, everybody knew he was not somebody to mess with.

Vexen and Demyx had become unlikely friends after both had gotten a detention in their freshman year. Demyx had been caught saying some not-so innocent things to a terrified freshman, and Vexen could've sworn the teacher in charge of detention put him there so he could admire his body. Either way, the two had ended up talking, their first words saying that Demyx would never willingly talk to pretty boys, and Vexen wouldn't be caught dead with someone who could lower his reputation.

As it was, they began getting bored in the small room and started talking to each other. They learned they shared the same hatred towards a certain geeky boy and both appreciated the same bands. They both were excellent runners (Vexen was used to running away from obsessed fan girls; Demyx had grown accustomed to running from the police), and both had trouble baking cupcakes.

"Who _was_ that?" He snarled, digging into his craptascular lunch.

"The name's Xaldin, and he's trying to steal my reputation for being the hottest creature ever!" Vexen complained, taking a sip from his strawberry milk unhappily.

Demyx was about to say something but a loud, "YO YO! WASSAP, WASSAP MY HOME SKILLET BISCUIT FRUIT CUP CAKES?" erupted from behind them. They turned around to see the last piece of the most powerful trio in BASTARD IGLOO TRANNY CHILDREN HIGH history walking to them with an excited look on his face. His dark pants were sagging dangerously low, but he didn't even seem to care that everyone could see his white and pink boxers. He has wearing an oversized black hoodie with little outlines of gold roses on it. It was opened so you could see the loose white shirt he was wearing underneath it. His eyes were hidden by a pair of stunner shades, and his pink hair was flattened down by the sideways hat he wore. Around his neck was a big, gold chain necklace with a dollar sign at the end of it. You could also spot the numerous gold rings around his fingers.

"Marlizlle's in the hipster houseter!" He exclaimed, slamming down across from the two.

Vexen and Demyx exchanged a roll of the eyes at the boy's failed slang. When they first met Marluxia, he was just getting into the gangsta spirit. He started hanging around them because he admired Demyx's toughness, and eventually they couldn't imagine themselves as a duo any more. It was always Vexen, Demyx and Marluxia, and nobody forgot about it. Throughout high school he had been evolving into more and more of a gangsta…even if he sucked at it.

The pink haired boy was certainly an interesting character. At first Vexen thought there was nothing special about him, but he soon learned that Marluxia could talk his way out of any situation…and also talk people into new ones.

He shuddered slightly, remembering how last year in eleventh grade Marluxia convinced him to dress up gangsta with him. He wore stunner shades and had a fake grill. Marluxia had also given him some bling that said 'SEXY VEXY' for his birthday. They had walked into the school with a bang, and everybody's eyes automatically went to them…but it might have been the fact that Marluxia had a giant boom box on his shoulder playing the song 'Sexy Back'. It might have also been the fact that every time they said the word 'sexy' in the song, Marluxia screamed out 'Vexy'. It wasn't a very pleasant experience for Vexen, but it seemed to increase his popularity, if only by a little bit.

"What's cracka lackin fo sackin the mackin?" The gangsta asked his two friends.

Vexen bit his lip as his eyes watered slightly. He was unable to control the outburst that was to come; "A new kid named Xaldin! He's trying to get rid of me!"

"Fo shizzle?!" Marluxia demanded.

Vexen nodded gravely, "Fo shizzle."

"Damn dawg, that's hella wacked up."

"Isn't it!" He cried, burying his head into his hands.

Demyx watched as Marluxia attempted to comfort Vexen who wasn't even listening anyway. He was too occupied with the thought that everything he worked for would be snatched away in a matter of torture filled days. Demyx shook his head. His two best friends could be so stupid sometimes. Of course, his _other_ friends didn't help much either…

"What's gots them panties in a twist?"

Oh, speak of the devil, here comes Zexion, in all his eight foot whatever glory.

"Vexen's afraid he's not going to be popular anymore. Marluxia likes any excuse to be dramatic," Demyx explained, bracing himself for the weird slang that was to come.

"That's colder than a mother-in-law's love," the red neck said, shaking his head and pulling up his overalls briefly before sitting down.

"Sure," Demyx replied, rolling his eyes and continued eating his chicken salad. You'd think the school bully would have some remotely sane friends who said things that normal people could understand. But _noooooo, _he had to be stuck with someone who thought more of themselves than Johnny Bravo, a wannabe gangsta, a red neck, and many other insane characters.

"You knows," Zexion began, "ya can't have chicken salad without the chicken shit."

Demyx automatically spit out what he was eating, losing his appetite instantly. Sometimes having Zexion as a friend was both an inconvenience and a punch to the brain cells. Never a good combination.

"Are yew gonna eat that?" Zexion pointed to the chicken salad Demyx quit eating.

"No, you can have it," he shuddered, sliding his tray to the boy. He was about to remark that Zexion should really listen to the words he says, when somebody tapped Vexen on the shoulder, causing him to scream bloody murder. Demyx saw Vexen whip around, probably expecting something menacing, only to see a couple of girls standing there shyly.

"Oh! Uh…hello!" One of them said, clearly weary of Vexen's strange behavior.

"Hi," he said, putting on a flirtatious smile, although his eyes still showed the fear of a little boy trapped in a drop dead gorgeous body. "What can I do for you?"

Another girl was biting her lip, confused by his bi-polar mood swing but not wanting to dwell on it for too long.

"Um…this is for you," One of them said, giving him a little container. "We know how much you like strawberry milk so…you can save money from buying one!"

They then dashed away, clearly embarrassed. Vexen looked down at the container in his hands.

"Well, you still have your charm," Demyx said simply.

"Wha…what? _Nooo_! This is all _his_ fault! He _drugged_ this container!" Vexen yelled, outraged, as he threw the container to the floor. To his dismay, it didn't shatter, forever destroyed, for the container was made out of plastic. Demyx groaned, predicting a headache in the not so distant future.

"What the hell _is this? Did he put a spell on this container so it would never break so I would be forced to drink his poison?_ That brilliant bastard! It will never go away until I drink every last drop!" Vexen deducted. He took a deep breath and picked the container up from the floor and turned to his friends. "Today is a day in history. Today the world will have the disadvantage of having the hottest man on earth die!" And with all the energy he could muster, he opened the container and drank the contents, before screaming that he couldn't believe he did what he just did and ran out of the cafeteria, his hands holding the container in a death grip.

"Wooaah…dat shit is wack!" Marluxia said, staring at the place where Vexen had just been.

Zexion reached over to snatch the abandoned lunch Vexen had been eating. Demyx just shook his head.

"So, who drugged that there container?"

"New kid," Demyx said, pointing across the cafeteria where said new kid was eating lunch with the borderline anorexic student, overweight foreign exchange student, and the meanest girl in school that sometimes sat with them, who looked pissed off at Xaldin. He saw her stand and made her way over to them.

"Yo yo yo--" Marluxia started, but was cut off by her giving him the finger.

"Shut your trap, Victoria," She snapped, calling him the name she gave him when she was pissed off. She of course was referring to Victoria's Secret, and the fact that almost everything inside was pink. She flipped her blonde hair and took Vexen's previous seat. "What's up, bitches?"

"Hey Namine," Zexion said shyly to his crush, his face turning pink. "What's-"

"Nobody can understand what you say so just shut up and save my vocabulary from being downgraded," Namine glared, and turned to face Demyx. "Who the hell is that caveman and why does he think he can sit next to me?"

"Hahaha, you're so bait, dawg!" Marluxia laughed at Zexion's stupefied face.

"Xaldin. Vexen is scared of him. He stole my seat," Demyx said, ignoring Marluxia, which was really the wise thing to do.

"Aw, Namine, I thought we was tighter than midget pussy!" Zexion cried, ignoring everything else around him except for Namine.

Namine shot Zexion a disgusted look and asked Demyx, "How do you even know what the hell they're talking about?"

"I fake it."

She nodded. "Makes sense. Well, I have to go invoke the terror in ol' armpit over there. Pence and Hayner just can't do it the way I do. Bye!"

Once she left, Zexion turned to Demyx and gave him a glare.

"What does you have that I don't got to make her love me?"

"We're bullies," Demyx sighed. "We understand each other. I'm the meanest guy in school, she's the meanest girl. But we have our similarities. Namely, we're rather good to our friends. And I'm her friend. You, on the other hand, are not."

Marluxia began laughing. "You got told, son!"

"At least I'm not dumber than two sacks of hair," Zexion retorted, and the two began a war that Demyx couldn't understand for the life of him.

He looked at his watch. Lunch was halfway over, and he was in desperate need of sane company. Too bad Namine had left…

"Pofizzle kalizzle dejizzle yolizzle sagizzle fo sure!"

"Well ain't you a poster boy for birth control!"

_Somebody, anybody, please save me…_Demyx begged in his mind. He was about to give up all hope and go up to the school roof to jump off it, but was interrupted by the arrival of two ladies.

"Sorry we're late!" A girl apologized as the two ran towards the table. He smiled in relief.

"You better be, I've had to suffer through all this gangsta hillbilly slang war by myself. What took so long?"

"We're sorry!" The same girl shrieked, and the other girl just shook her head.

"Larxene helped a guy in crutches across the school," the second girl replied in monotone.

"Ah," Demyx nodded. It was so like Larxene to help someone in need, even if they appeared to not need it. She was the school sweetheart, and to this day Demyx had no idea how he became friends with her. He turned to the girl dressed in all black with various piercings. "What's your excuse Olette?"

"I was smoking behind the school, and came inside just in time for Larxene to see me and drag me with her on her adventure of helping the poor and innocent," Olette sighed, running a hand through her dark brown hair.

"And now lunch is almost over and you don't have a free period next!" Larxene complained childishly, stomping her foot. "Pooh!"

"Larxy, hun, that's why I can make my _own_ free periods," he grinned.

"You know I wish you wouldn't skip," she pouted, but he only shook his head.

"What's one little class going to do?" He asked rhetorically as the two sat down.

"So, where's Namine?" Olette asked, but it ended up coming out in a statement.

Demyx turned to Namine's table where she was holding Xaldin by the front of his shirt, her other hand raised dangerously close to his head in a fist. He pointed, and the two looked just in time for her to let go, yell a couple of words, and stomp to them.

"Problem solved!" She grinned to them, and instead of taking a seat in an empty chair, she sat down on Larxene's lap instead.

"Ah, N-Namine!" Larxene stuttered, obviously shy and nervous about Namine's actions.

Ever since Demyx and Namine had met Larxene and Olette, they had formed a weird friendship. While Demyx was in a trio with Marluxia and Vexen, he found himself hanging out with Namine, Larxene, and Olette almost as much.

Demyx and Namine provided the two bitchiest, meanest kids who would do anything for their friends role, Olette was the dark, gothic one, and Larxene was a bundle of nervous, excited, and sweet energy. Somehow it worked.

"So what's up?" Olette asked, and Demyx went through telling everyone about Vexen and Xaldin.

"This is getting repetitive," he ended the short story with, wondering how many times he talked about Vexen today, and deciding he didn't want to know.

"Have you guys seen Saix today?"

"Since when does _Saix_ go to school, Larxene?" Namine snorted, getting off of Larxene for lunch just ended.

They could hear Zexion and Marluxia continue bickering as the two walked to their class. Instead of joining him, Demyx and the girls all walked out of school, even if he and Namine didn't have a free period.

"He hasn't been to school in at least three months, I think," Olette said thoughtfully, looking up at the sky.

"He's such a sissy," Namine said, shaking her head in disgust. "I mean, if he was skipping school because he's a badass, then fine. But to think that he's skipping school to do something completely unbearable and disgraceful--"

"He delivers freshly baked cookies to his _grandmother_," Larxene cut in, giving her a quizzical glance.

"Ya, ya, _whatever, _its still retarded," Namine rolled her eyes. "And its such a waste of everything. Everybody knows the old woman's going to die any day now."

"Namine! Don't say things like that!" Larxene gasped in horror.

"Ya, Namine!" Demyx scolded. "If anything, everybody knows the old woman used to be an old man!"

"Demyx!"

"What? Its true! You saw the pictures!"

The two bullies laughed hysterically, leaving Olette and Larxene staring at them, one looking at them in horror, the other shaking her head and itching for a cigarette.

"What the fuck ever," Olette said, rolling her eyes and turning to Larxene. "By the way, you haven't talked about your brother in awhile. Where is he?"

Larxene smiled sadly at Olette. "I don't know."

--

Luxord liked girls. It didn't matter what they looked like, he liked them all. Developed, under developed, tall, small, whatever. It was all glorious to him. There was truly nothing better then curling up in bed in front of a nice fire with a girl, or perhaps two girls, to snog.

Girls liked Luxord. Maybe it was his blond hair, or the piercings, or his hot body that almost rivaled Vexen's. Maybe he was just wonderful in bed or made damn good tea and crumpets. Whatever it was, girls always came to Luxord, and he let them.

This, of course, was a huge problem, for Luxord did not like girls. Well, he did, he just desperately did not want to. You see, Luxord liked his lifestyle. Until he met Jethro.

Jethro was his new neighbor, and the two clicked right away. They bonded over many a thing, namely, their love for alcohol and strawberry shortcake. They went over to each other's houses all the time, and it was during one of those trips that Luxord's life changed.

Forever.

He and Jethro were sitting on the floor talking, and the door opened. In walked a huge man, and Jethro squealed, running over to him and hugging him, which was weird, because Jethro never _squealed_. Maybe he screamed girlishly or laughed like his voice was under the influence of helium, but _squeal_? No, never.

"Hi Jethy!" The huge man said girlishly, hugging the smaller boy back.

After their little reunion involving the jumping of feet and waving of hands, they turned to Luxord.

"Luxord, this is my brother Bob," Jethro introduced. "Bob, this is Luxord. Bob's been away at college."

Luxord nodded. They shook hands, and Bob joined their conversation. It was a couple of minutes later when Luxord discovered that Bob was gay.

From that point of, whenever he hung out with Jethro, he would see Bob with some other man. They would flirt, tease, kiss each other, the works. And Luxord felt something boil inside of him. He knew he didn't feel an attraction towards any of them. He didn't care about any of the guys Bob was with, and Bob was too ugly for him to like.

Besides, he wasn't even gay.

But therein lay the problem. Because after seeing Bob **HOLY FUCK DONALD/TRON/GOOFY** with all those guys, Luxord, the man who loved ladies who all loved him, realized the thing he wanted the most….was to be gay.

So one night when Jethro fell asleep at his house and Luxord was about to leave, he saw Bob in the kitchen and decided to ask him the very important question.

"Can you teach me to be gay?" He asked.

Several minutes later he was in the car with Bob, who was driving them to a place he would not say.

"So Bob," Luxord began, but was silenced.

"Not Bob," he said, reminding Luxord of Tarzan. "Lexaeus."

"Uh, ok…"

Then the memories start to get a little fuzzy. A drink was slipped in his hands, and then another, and another. It was beginning to get a bit hectic, but Luxord trusted Bob…er…Lexaeus. He trusted him to make him the best homosexual he could be.

So when he woke up in Las Vegas passed out on the floor in nothing but a neon purple hood thong and stood up only to find his butt aching uncontrollably, he did a little cheer, hopped in the air a couple of times, and exited the hotel he was in. He didn't know where Lexaeus was, or how to get home, but it didn't matter any more. He was gay! At last!

After a couple of minutes basking in his accomplishment, he set out to find home.

Some hours later he was sitting on a bench in the middle of nowhere, itching his ass. The hood thong, while stylish, was really uncomfortable after hours of walking around in it.

Cars passed, but none seemed to care about him.

This…sucked.

Luxord was never a patient man, so he got up in a rush and stormed off in a random direction.

He would _walk_ all the way home if he had to!

…did that eighty year old man just _wink_ at him? No, he was imagining it…wait. Was he doing the humping motion? Directed at _him_?

Ok, screw walking, it was too slow for him anyway. Running away from an elderly perverted man was more like it.


	3. Carmen Miranda Ain't Got Nothing

**Chapter Three: Carmen Miranda Ain't Got Nothing on **_**That**_** Body!**

--

Sora and Riku only had one friend, and that was each other. They were the only ones that understood one another and were the only ones they talked to. Everyone else seemed to avoid them as much as possible, which was perfectly fine with them. In every class, they would sit in the far back corner where darkness loomed, because there was always a scary corner in every classroom. However, there were no dark places in the cafeteria for them to sit in. So every day for lunch they would sit in the usual abandoned classroom, discussing what their next experiment should be and who their victim would be.

Sometimes they would attempt to lure freshman to join them in the scary corner, because once you were in the scary corner you never returned to reality. It only ever worked once, but something went terribly wrong. Nobody mentioned the incident or the name Roxas again.

Nobody actually talked to them and they ignored everybody else. They never paid attention to their lessons, opting instead to set things on fire. One of their fondest memories was when they threw a flaming ball of fire into that naïve boy Axel's red hair. He was petrified of fire, and it was certainly a sight to see him try to get out of his desk (He struggled heavily, since he was on the shubby side of the weight scale), screaming about devil fire.

So when the door to the classroom burst open and they saw the panicked face of Vexen staring at them, they simply thought he had entered the wrong classroom and resumed talking.

"So I think that we should use the tarantula. After all--"

"Uh, hello…?" Vexen asked, closing the door and walking towards them. Sora and Riku glared at him, a bit pissed that this guy was interrupting their interesting conversation.

"Yeeeees?" Sora asked creepily, staring Vexen straight in the eyes. Hopefully he would go away soon if they creeped him out enough.

He gulped, unused to dealing with freaks such as these two. Sure, he was accustomed to Marluxia's slang, Demyx's cuss words and Zexion's giraffe-like height, but when it came to people who wore all black? _Never._

"I…I…"

With a hurried breath, he quickly told them the situation that had just transpired in the cafeteria only seconds before, throwing the plastic container at their heads in a fit of terror.

"Does it have poison in it?" He concluded in a panicked voice.

Sora opened it, gave it a quick glance, and stared back up at Vexen.

"Why…yes, it _does_ have poison in it," He stated, hiding a smirk. It wasn't even necessary as Vexen was biting his nails and looking at all sides of him as if he was paranoid of something.

Vexen gasped. "I _knew _it! Tell me doc, tell me how long I have to live!"

At this point, both his hands were holding the front of Sora's shirt, shaking him back and forth rapidly. Their noses were touching and one pair of widened eyes looked back at one full of eyeliner and mascara.

"Well," Riku began, "do what we tell you to. We know the best remedies for strawberry milk poisoning."

"Oh thank goodness!" He yelled, and missed the mischievous grin Sora and Riku shared. Had he seen it, he would have felt like his life would never be the same again.

--

"And…how, exactly, does this cure me?" Vexen asked uncomfortably, tugging at what he was wearing with disdain. The three were on the roof of the school, and Vexen wasn't quite sure about what he was told to do.

"_Because_," Sora huffed, obviously annoyed, "if you dance hard enough, you'll dance all the poison out of your body! Its simple science!"

"Science shmience, what has it ever done for me?" Vexen muttered to himself, but the statement was not unheard by Riku.

"Science made you what you are today. Hot and…" here he shuddered, "_Sexy_."

Vexen's eyes widened.

"Then if this is for _science_…I must do it!" He reasoned to himself, for he was never one to turn his back on the reason for his hot sexiness. "Okay, get the music ready."

"Way ahead of you," Sora laughed, pressing the play button on the CD player.

Suddenly the song blared out, and Vexen began his dancing, unaware that Sora and Riku were technical geniuses and set the scene up in a way that hidden cameras filmed Vexen and started playing in every television in the school. If they were lucky, in the state.

Vexen wore old, baggy sweatpants and a big baggy shirt that were slightly hard to move in, which actually made him thankful for what he was about to do.

"I'm too sexy for my love. Too sexy for my love. Love's going to leave me," he said, and began dancing to the song. "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts!" He belted, and ripped off the shirt, revealing his toned chest.

As the song went on, he ripped off his sweatpants too, revealing a shocking costume. The song suddenly change, and he grabbed a hat.

Vexen was now wearing a striped skirt that was bright blue, red, yellow and green. His hair stuffed under a hat full of fruit, which miraculously stayed on despite his rockin dance moves.

"Heeeeey Macarena," he sang softly to himself, and found himself really getting into it.

The songs kept on changing, and he grew very into it, thrusting his hips and shaking his hands insanely. After all, nobody could see him.

--

"So, did it work?" Vexen asked, his hands on his knees. He was super exhausted. That dancing session was intense, but at least it gave him a full body work out. He assumed it did wonders to his body too because as he strut through the halls everybody gave him winks and catcalls.

Riku walked around him, looking him over.

"….Nope," he deduced, standing next to Sora again.

"_WHAT_?" The blond yelled, almost shattering their ear drums.

Sora gulped, and ran up to him, attempting to calm him down.

"Don't worry, its almost gone. You just need to do one little thing…"

Vexen glared.

"Forget it!" He snapped. "If dancing the poison out didn't work, then nothing will! Screw you guys!"

He stomped off, leaving Riku and Sora standing there in the empty classroom.

"Well, at least we got the footage," Sora grinned, holding up a tape. Riku ruffled his hair.

"Noice."


	4. That One Day

**Chapter Three: That One Day**

--

Today was not a good day for Saix. He woke up late, and was late delivering cookies to his grandmother's house. The apocalypse was among them all.

He ran out of the house, basket of cookies in hand, and a red hood in the other. He fastened it around himself and put on the hood, running to his bike and putting the basket full of cookies in the basket that was attached to the bike.

_Well, it could be worse_, he reasoned with himself. _Remember that one day?_

_That one day where my parents died, my girlfriend cheated on me, my best friend shot himself, that crazy neighborhood dog Moon crashed on top of my house, my old school burned down, I stepped in gum, my other friends all died, my hair fell out, I killed a bum, someone stole my hood thong, it rained and snowed on me and only me despite going to a sold out concert, I had to walk home ten miles up hill barefoot through rocks because some kid stole my shoes, a fire started and I had to walk through it because it was the only way, I got raped twice by three people all at the same time, and when I came home that gay guy Lexaeus was sitting on my porch, doing nothing but existing, and it all happened within two hours and thirty-two minutes?_

_Ya, that's the day_, Saix thought to himself, peddling like crazy. He was crossing every street without bothering to look both ways, causing traffic accidents he didn't care about or ever remember. He was late bringing his cookies to his grandmother. They must understand that.

_Best two and a half hours. Ever._

_What, so that isn't the worst day of your life?_

_No, remember when I ran out of flour?_

_Oh, that explains it._

Saix continued to have a conversation with himself, up until he finally reached his grandmother's bright red house. He was a little late, but he hoped nobody would mind. He loved her too much for her to punch him in the face. He knocked on the door, and a tall tanned guy answered it, sighing as he saw the blue haired young adult.

"Here you go grammy!" He said proudly, holding up a basket.

"For the last damn time kid, I ain't yo grammy!" The man all but screamed, about to slam the door, but Saix's foot was jammed in the doorway.

"But grand-ma-ma," Saix said, tearing up, and was going to cry, he surely, was, until the man sighed again, used to this ridiculous routine enough times to have memorized it in his sleep.

"Damnit," he mumbled, stealing the basket. "You come here every day. What's the dealio? Don't you have school? Or a friend? Or a goldfish?"

Saix only giggled like a schoolgirl and ran off.

"See you tomorrow grandma dearest!"

The man watched him ride off in the distance, throwing the cookies out to the squirrels to eat and choke on. "That guy has issues. Big issues."

--

Luxord dragged his feet, collapsing as he reached his front porch. He had finally made it back to his house, and also managed to shake off the creepy old man. He looked up, seeing Lexaeus sitting on the little bench Larxene liked to sit on when she was in her peaceful, hippy mood.

"I…failed," Luxord admitted, still lying down on his belly. "An old man made a pass at me. And I ran away. I'm a failure at life!"

Lexaeus just stared, and Luxord realized he wasn't even paying attention to him. He was just sitting there! Ignoring him!

"He_lloooooo_? Lexaeus?"

He continued sitting. Was he admiring the pretty blue sky? Thinking about world domination? Or just purposefully pissing Luxord off?

"Look, I appreciate what you did to me. I'm glad you convinced me to bring along the hood thong I stole from Saix. It was better than being naked. I appreciate you getting me hammered enough so I could have drunken sex with guys. But goddamnit pay attention to meeeeeee!"

No response. Nothing. It was almost like Lexaeus was an empty shell. He didn't even blink. Luxord waved his hand in front of his face. He checked his pulse. Was this man a freaking _rock_ or something? Well, he was certainly existing like one!

"Fine!" He screamed, "I'll go do something productive! You can just…just _exist_ for all I care!" With a great flourish, he entered his house, forgetting entirely about Lexaeus and just let him exist like a rock.

And that he did.

--

"That means as much to me as a strawberry up a bear's butt!"

Will the world never cease its insanity?

"You are a lafoozaloser, son. Wordity ordity word."

Nope. It never will.

"Shut up guys!"

The pink and blue haired young men turned to see Vexen stomping towards them with the force of a thousand bulls. His left eye twitched and his shoulders were hunched up. He was prepared to strike any obstacle in his path.

"Vexy! That vid today, that shit is off tha _hook_!" Marluxia complimented, referring to the video of Vexen dancing, forgetting about insulting Zexion.

"Ya, you were busier than a cucumber in women's prison!" Zexion agreed, and both proceeded to dance. Vexen, who had no idea what the hell they were talking about or doing, only raised an eyebrow and walked ahead of them, intent on going home and locking himself in his room with a tub of ice cream, crying over all of his sorrows. Fo sure.

--

**End of Part One**


	5. Ride Em Cowboi!

**Chapter 5: Ride Em Cowboi!**

**--**

**Magicboi: **_(N ! g37 4 (h3353 p!zz p1z??_

**DragonGurl: **_0mg nO w4! ! 7h7 h3 $d ! gn (m 0vr 2d4! (uz w3r b3$ fr3nz_**!**

**Magicboi: **_R1d3 3m (0wb0i!_

_--_

"_Every move you makeEvery vow you breakEvery smile you fakeEvery claim you stakeIll be watching you_," Vexen sang along to his favorite song in the whole wide world as he walked home. Despite his horrible day, this song always cheered him up. You see, Vexen had a fondness for many things, including his hot body, cheese fondue, and creepy stalker songs.

_And little children_, his mind whispered, but he promptly ignored it.

The mother of all stalker songs _always_ cheered him up, no matter what, since it fit his personality oh so well. So he continued to sing, despite the strange looks that people gave him.

AND ALL OF A SUDDENLY HE STOPPED.

"HEH. HEH. HEH. HEH. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH," HE LAUGHED VICIOUSLY AS HE MERRILY SKIPPED HIS WAY HOME.

--

Hayner and Axel were talking to each other viciously as Pence stared impatiently out the window. He _loathed_ going home!

"Hurry up," the borderline anorexic student complained, causing the two overweight students to roll their buttery eyes at him.

"Stop complaining Pence," Axel said, but his voice was muffled by the fact that he had so much fat inside his cheeks he was forced to chew on them as he talked, giving off the effect of one talking with their mouth full. Hayner simply nodded, for one year ago he had gotten so shubby that if he opened his mouth he might accidentally swallow himself whole. Ever since then, his ability to talk was that he would swallow alphabet soup. Because he had eaten so much, he had mastered the art of controlling where the food he ate went. He would then make it so that the letters of the alphabet soup were squished against his fat forehead so you could read what he wanted to say.

Pence, who weighed a nice eighty seven pounds, sighed for the billionth time as Kairi drove the enormous car. Despite the fact that the car could hold well up to ninety people, Pence was squished against in the car door, waiting for it to burst. He was almost surprised he wasn't crushed to death, but since he was so small he could slide between the crack of the car door. You see, Axel and Hayner's fat was overflowing the vehicle. All the windows were rolled down, including the sunroof, but there wasn't a single to see outside. All you saw was their skin. No air got in, no air got out. It was a death wish to be in the same car as the two.

Five minutes later the car was stopped, the doors were opened, and a wave of greasy fat came sailing out of the door like it was out of style. Kairi hopped out of the car, looking for Pence. When he couldn't him find, he began to panic.

"Where is Pence?" Kairi screamed, freaked out beyond all reason.

Axel and Hayner simply shrugged. Axel stood up, but was quite shocked to find Pence slip out from one of the folds of his belly.

"Damn, that's the fifth time this week!" Pence screamed, causing Kairi to shake his head.

--

The people in the city sighed as the rain fell down heavily. It was always raining, ever since that yellow rain cloud with spiky hair, red guitar and sombrero situated itself on top of the town. It would never go away, and rained constantly. It was a big annoyance, but soon became a signature part of the town.

Little did they know, that cloud had feelings…

Cloud was angsting for the sixteenth time in the past two days. Whenever he would angst, rain would fall. Because Cloud was a rain cloud. Equipped with his signature bright red guitar, yellow spikes and decorative sombrero he traveled to a city that had caused him great pain, but also held great joy.

Cloud loved to angst. He did it constantly and was good at it. Nobody could rival his angst skills, and for good reason. Cloud was depressed over losing his dream job.

It was the only thing he ever wanted in his life. He would watch everybody who had that job, and would stare longingly at them. He was envious of everybody who had those beautiful glimmerous wings stapled in their back as they screamed in agony. He would only sigh, waiting until he was of age to have the job. He would daydream about that day…

Once he turned 32, he was determined. He would pass that test and become the best damn tooth fairy EVER!

But his dreams were crushed and ruined. They were stolen by that stupid guy with the long silver hair!

Yes, Sephiroth would pay. He WOULD.

"I hate spit!" He screamed, causing the other clouds to look at him.

"Isn't his name Sephiroth?" One questioned, because clouds were capable of hating only one thing, and Cloud most certainly hated Sephiroth, not spit.

"ITS SPIT BECAUSE THAT WAS THE NAME MICROSOFT WORD INTENDED IT TO BE!" He screamed, but stopped as someone said the word cheese pickle. "Shut up now, Leon's transforming…"


End file.
